Did you shout at your child and immediately feel like the worst parent in the world? Is your child provoking you, and you don’t know whether to react or ignore it? Do you feel helpless because “what I used to do” no longer works?
If so – you are not alone. And you are most likely doing better than you think.
Part 1: The honest truth (why this is so hard)
Parenting is the only job nobody prepares you for. You leave the hospital with a baby – and that’s it. No manual, no support from day one.
When your child:
- Loudly breaks wind in the shop
- Says “I hate you”
- Refuses to go to school
- Swears, hits, lies
…the parent feels: anger, fear, helplessness, guilt, shame.
This is normal. It doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.
Part 2: What is going on in your child’s head
Children don’t rebel for fun. There is always a reason:
- A sense of having no control (“nobody listens to me”)
- Overstimulation (tiredness, too many changes)
- An unmet need (“I need you close, but I don’t know how to ask”)
- A lack of tools (“I don’t know how to calm down”)
Important: Your child’s behaviour is a message, not a personal attack.
Part 3: What most parents do (and why it sometimes doesn’t work)
Scenario 1: Punishment
- “Go and stand in the corner!” / “No chocolate!”
- Effect: Sometimes works in the short term
- Problem: Your child learns to be afraid of you and doesn’t understand what they did wrong
Scenario 2: Logic
- “See? That hurts! Don’t do it!”
- Effect: Works with children over the age of 7
- Problem: A 3-year-old can’t hold on to logic in the middle of strong emotions
Scenario 3: Ignoring
- “Let them scream”
- Effect: Works in some situations
- Problem: Sometimes your child is saying “I need help”
Every approach has its place. Knowing when to use which – that is a parent’s superpower.
Part 4: A new perspective (what to do instead)
Instead of “How do I stop the tantrum?” → “How can I help my child calm down?”
A shift in position:
- From: “My child is the problem”
- To: “My child has a problem (and I can help)”
In practice:
When your child is screaming:
- Stay calm (I know it’s hard) – your calm = their calm
- Name the emotion: “I can see you’re really angry”
- Set a boundary with respect: “I can listen to you when we talk more quietly”
- Once they’ve calmed down – talk: “What happened? What upset you?”
Part 5: Practical tools (starting today)
Tool 1: An “emotion regulator” for your child Make a list together with your child (draw it):
- How I feel: frustrated, bad, happy
- What I can do: breathe deeply, count to 10, go to my corner, ask for a hug
Tool 2: “How I feel” for you (the parent) Before you react to your child’s behaviour:
- How do I feel? (frustrated, tired, frightened?)
- Will my reaction feel safe for my child?
- What do I really need right now?
Sometimes your child doesn’t need a punishment – you need a minute for yourself. That’s OK.
Part 6: When to reach out for help
A consultation with a psychologist for parents makes sense if:
- You feel you are losing control (thoughts of hurting your child)
- Your child’s behaviour is escalating (getting worse, not better)
- Advice isn’t working and your frustration keeps growing
- You want to understand what is really going on
A therapist for parents is:
- A safe person to talk to
- Guidance from someone who knows how a child’s brain works
- Support that eases guilt
- A partner, not a judge
If you are looking for support in parenting – I warmly invite you to a consultation for parents. It is a conversation about what is happening for you, what is happening for your child, and what we can change right now.