Many people who come to my practice say they are left with the feeling that something isn’t working the way it should, that something is wrong. They can’t always explain it. Sometimes their lives are stable – a relationship, a job. Yet inside, a familiar tension keeps coming back: blushing, a knot in the stomach, the urge to withdraw, overanalysing after a conversation.
We might call these symptoms low self-esteem, but very often there is something deeper underneath – shame rooted in survival mode.
Shame as a survival strategy
Shame is a relational emotion. It arises wherever there is a risk of losing connection. For a child, losing connection is an existential threat. The nervous system then responds the way it responds to any threat:
- fight,
- flight,
- freeze,
- over-adapting
So if you grew up in an environment:
- full of criticism,
- unpredictability,
- emotional coldness,
- shaming
your nervous system may have learnt that being yourself is risky. The shame that appears then is not a personality trait – it serves a protective function.
What happens in the body when shame appears?
Shame does not show up only as the thought “I’m useless”. It is a physiological reaction you may notice in, among other things:
- a lowered gaze,
- tension in the stomach,
- a sunken chest,
- the need to disappear,
- Sometimes over-explaining yourself or making jokes at your own expense.
This is how the nervous system tries to reduce the threat – by withdrawing. In moments like these it is not enough to tell yourself it is “just a belief”, because the body is still in alarm mode.
Why is working only with beliefs not enough?
You may know every cognitive technique there is. You may understand where your shame comes from. Yet in a specific situation:
- when you are criticised
- when you are being judged
- during a conflict
your body reacts faster than your awareness. That is because shame is very often linked to chronic survival mode. Until the nervous system feels safer, it will keep reacting the way it once learnt to.
These are not your flaws. Perhaps you were overloaded.
This sentence can be a turning point. Shame says: I am the problem. Regulation will say: It was a response to the conditions I lived in.
Leaving chronic shame behind is not about fixing yourself, but about:
- building a sense of safety in your body,
- gradually lowering hypervigilance,
- learning regulation within relationships,
- Reclaiming the right to be seen without fear.
It is a process. Not a quick change of thoughts.
If this sounds like you
If you recognise in yourself:
- chronic tension when you are being evaluated
- a feeling that you are too much or not enough,
- automatic withdrawal in social situations,
- a strong inner critic,
it is possible that what you are working with is not a character flaw, but a nervous system that spent a long time in survival mode. That is exactly what changes the starting point. Not fighting yourself. Regulation.
If you want to go a step further
Working with shame very rarely ends with realising that it is just a belief. It often leads deeper – to a body that has spent years learning to stay alert. If you would like to understand, calmly and step by step:
- what survival mode is,
- how it affects relationships and self-worth,
- how the body remembers being shamed,
- How to build regulation instead of fighting yourself,
in my book “Kiedy ciało przestaje milczeć” (“When the Body Stops Keeping Silent”) I describe this process more fully and more systematically. It is not a quick-fix guide, but a map you can come back to whenever the tension flares up again.
If you feel it is the right moment, you will find more information here: https://hefio.1ct.eu/
If you prefer to work within a relationship
Sometimes reading and understanding is the first step, and sometimes what you need is a safe meeting in which you can slowly look at what triggers your shame – without judgement and without pressure to change.
It is a process that is not about fixing yourself, but about gradually building a greater sense of safety. If you feel that this kind of support would be helpful, you can send me a message and together we will see whether this is a good moment to start working.
Your pace is fine. And the fact that you are starting to notice at all already matters.